Waldorf Rhythm – Musically Speaking

If you’ve done any reading at all about Waldorf education, you have surely encountered Waldorf’s three R’s: rhythm, rhythm and rhythm. Yes, rhythm is a BIG DEAL in Waldorf world! Visit any Waldorf-inspired blog and you will likely find a post. Google “Waldorf rhythm” and you get 461K results! Pinterest is full of Waldorf rhythm pins and every Waldorf book will include it. In fact, there are actually entire Waldorf books just about rhythm – why you need one, what it is, how to tweak it, what to put in it, how to get your family doing it, etc.  Every website I’ve visited, every book I’ve read, when they get to the practical steps to establishing a Waldorf home starts with rhythm. There’s just no escaping it, no skipping it, no racing on to the gnomes, play silks and knitting. Even if you do race on to the gnomes, play silks and knitting…you will eventually find yourself back where you started trying to figure out rhythm!

If you haven’t done any reading at all about Waldorf education, check out the links on this post. For rhythm-specific reading, my favorites can be found here on Waldorf Essentials by Melisa Nielsen and this post at Waldorf Inspired Learning. These ladies do an amazing job of explaining what you need to know about rhythm – what it is, why you need it, how to do it, etc.

Fortunately for me, we already had a good start on rhythm before coming to Waldorf. I don’t consider myself to be especially organized, but I am a rather regularish sort of person – a regularish sort of person with two small children I homeschool, a household to run and a menagerie to tend. Out of necessity, I have had routines in place for a long time! But as I dove into my rhythm reading, I realized that what I was doing was not a rhythm. A rhythm is not simply “Breakfast at 7, Lunch at 12, Rest at 1” or “clear the table, put away leftovers, wash the dishes” or even “floors on Monday, bathrooms on Tuesday, kitchen on Wednesday” – a rhythm is so much more!

Rhythm is a pattern of in breaths and out breaths.

??????????

Yeah. That breath thing made no sense to me. So, I read some more and then put it into terms that mean something to me – music terms!

What does rhythm mean in music? Well, as a Kodaly-inspired educator, this means the children first learn to “pat steady” to a bank of folk songs. Once they can do this, then I give them the term “steady beat” to name that constant patting, stomping, clapping, dancing heartbeat they have experienced. Then I guide them to identify that the words of the songs don’t plod along following that steady beat exactly, one word to a beat. Some words do fall exactly on the beat – but some crowd together and move faster than the beat. And sometimes there are no words at all – just a beat or more of total silence. Once the children have found places in their familiar songs that do all of these things, I give them the term “rhythm” to name the concept of patterns of short and long sounds and silences. Next come the names for those sounds and silences – quarter note, eighth note pair and so on.

As their musical repertoire grows and they create their own songs, we explore how different rhythmic patterns evoke different moods and sensations and this is where Waldorf rhythm starts to make sense to me! They experience the excitement – and exhaustion! – of many rapidly repeated notes, of accelerando (speeding up). They feel soothed by a succession of slow, sustained notes and ritardando (slowing down). They feel anticipation or completion at a rest and the engagement that happens when rhythms vary, the lack of satisfaction when changes are too abrupt.

Here is the song we were singing before I thought about home rhythm in these terms.

Daily Rhythm
6:00             Good Morning!
6:30             Breakfast, clear table; dress, teeth, hair.
7:30             Outside Play/Mom does chores
8:30             Monday – Friday: Main Lesson; Saturday – Sunday: Free play.
9:30             Snack Time
                     Monday – Friday: Lively Arts
                     Saturday: Library/Baseball
                     Sunday: Free Play
12:00           Lunch, clear table
                     Free Play
1:00             Rest Period
3:00             Walk Dog
                     Free Play/Housework and Dinner Prep
5:30             Evening Activities
6:30             Dinner
7:30             Shower, Pajamas, Teeth, Etc. Maybe a story if we aren’t furious with each other.
8:00             Good Night!…maybe. Probably not. Up and down, and round and round.

You can see there was a lot of free play while I tried to get things done – free play that usually became a free-for-all. Someone almost always got hurt, something almost always got destroyed – and I wasn’t really getting any of those things done I was trying to do! And meals and rest times were battlegrounds!

My study of Waldorf rhythm has brought me to compose something new – a day with rhythmic variety without any abrupt changes. I’ve tried to alternate “rapid notes” and “slow notes” and I make sure we have some strategic “rests” as well. I’ve also thought about transitions and incorporated accelerandi and ritardandi  to eliminating abrupt shifts.

 

Happy boy!

Of course, I am also learning that no matter where we are in our rhythm, my active engagement is required. We can alternate degrees of my active engagement – I can teach a lesson, then work on computer, read them a story, then fold laundry while they play – but I can’t check out for long stretches of the day to play on Facebook clean. I can have tiny little breaks – a quarter rest, maybe even a half rest – but no tacit for mommy! (A tacit is when a musician has rests for a really long time, pages even.)

 

Armed with a new understanding of rhythm, our days now look like this:

Daily Rhythm
6:00     Good Morning!
6:30     Breakfast, clear table, dress, teeth and hair
Morning Home Care (Daily chores we do together)
             Outside Play & Nature Walk
8:30     Monday – Friday: Main Lesson
             Saturday – Sunday: Free Play/Special Time
9:30     Snack Time
Monday – Friday: Lively Arts
Saturday: Library/Baseball
Sunday: Free Play
12:00    Lunch, clear table
              Story Time
1:00      Rest Period
3:00      Walk Dog
Afternoon Home Care (Major chores we do once a week, together)
Handwork
Meal Preparation (which we often do together)
Free Play
5:30      Evening Activities
6:30      Dinner
7:30      Shower, Pajamas, Teeth, Etc.
Story
8:00     Good Night!

Daily Rhythm

You can see that our morning time still begins with a lot of focused activity – eating, getting dressed, morning chores. I have accepted that I am going to have be actively involved many times – they aren’t going to dress, etc., without my being present in their room. This sustained concentrated effort is hard for Scooter and Cheech (and me…) but once done, they get to slow down and play outside and I finish up my morning routine. After a short time on their own, I take them on a nature walk. This time acts as a gradual accelerando into main lesson time and has been smooth sailing since the change! (Gnomes be praised!) Lively Arts act as a lovely little ritardando right through lunch and story culminating in a satisfying and welcome rest.  After rest, we jump right into activity/accelerando – walking the dog and hard-core housework (together!). Handwork, which is somewhat active (mentally) but also relaxing (physically) creates a great ritardando into dinner prep time and free play. Our evening activities are usually another series of “rapid notes” before our final ritardando – dinner, getting ready for bed and a story. By the time we get to bedtime, that rest is (mostly) welcome. Some days circumstances (illness, baseball practice, torrential rains) intervene and we have to rearrange – we play jazz and improvise.  But having once established the rhythm, we can easily reestablish it after any departure.

Of course, rhythm is only one part of those changes, but it is a BIG part! My kids are getting regular doses of intense mental/physical activity and interaction with me and each other throughout the day as well as and regular doses of less intense activity and interaction. Overall, they are calmer, more cooperative and we are more connected. And that is good for all families, right? Not just homeschool families or Waldorf families!

 

Toddler Crime

Cheech, my toddler, doesn’t get much air time here on mama’s blog. I blog most often about homeschooling and delusional fantasies (aka getting published), and Cheech is not a part of either in any significant way. During homeschool time, he does two-year-old things like sculpt clay, harass the dog and eat boogers. And while I am in writing mode, he pretty much does the same stuff.

However, I realize that someday, Cheech may actually read my blog and I don’t want him to think that I didn’t love and enjoy him just as much as his scallywag brother, Scooter. So today is an homage to Cheech!

They say no two children are alike, and the husband and I say, “Thank goodness!” (No, really. We say that.) We think we should get bonus points for having Cheech after experiencing Scooter, and many of our friends and relations agree. Just today he comforted a little friend at daycare who was missing her mommy. He held her face in his hands and said, “Your mommy will come soon,” before hugging her goodbye. Cheech wakes up happy, he likes to snuggle, he shares very well and he is generally compliant or easily distracted from most mischief.

Most mischief. To his credit, Scooter never got into things or ate non-food items. Cheech, on the other hand, has made both activities signature moves. I have called Poison Control twice in the last six months, once for a “child-proof” bottle of liquid NSAID and again for a cocktail of toothpaste, triple antibiotic ointment and skin cream. (Doesn’t that sound scrumptious?)

Before you judge my parenting, please understand that Scooter telegraphs his every move twenty moves in advance. We know exactly what he’s plotting as he’s plotting. We can make preemptive strikes and take evasive maneuvers. It looks like parental vigilance, but really, Scooter just doesn’t have the crafty gene.

Cheech, on the other hand, is stealthy. He has learned (probably from watching big brother get caught all the time), that quiet disobedience is the way to go. Crime – quiet crime – really does pay. Cheech is either a ninja or a future star on a poker reality show. The little old lady in me does not really approve of gambling, but since the little old lady in me would also like to end her days in a swanky rest home, I am hoping for poker star.

Anywho, I hope video evidence of his most recent crime brightens your day.

Means

Motive

Opportunity: While Scooter and I were doing school, Cheech wandered off and grew suspiciously quiet. Rest assured, no toddlers were hurt in the making of this video. Not even when I scrubbed off the mess!

Mother’s Day: Listen to Your Mother

In 2013, I was cast in Listen to Your Mother Show Austin. LTYM features curated, live readings by local writers on the topic of motherhood in celebration of Mother’s Day. As of this year, Listen to Your Mother shows are in 39 cities and Listen to Your Mother: What She Said Then, What We’re Saying Now was released April 7 of this year, featuring a number of essays from past shows. Fellow 2013 LTYM Austin alumnae Ruth Pennebaker and Wendi Aarons (who also co-produced the 2013 LTYM Austin show with Elizabeth McGuire) both contributed to the book! (Cool, eh?)

Not all of the writers are mothers and not all of the writers are professional writers (Ahem. Me.) It was fairly intimidating and a lot surprising to find myself sitting around a table for our first read-through with all of these real-life pros. It was realizing you’re at the wrong wedding reception after you’ve already taken a piece of cake. What are you going to do? I sat there and ate the cake.

I ate the cake, but I spent the rest of the party fairly disengaged. Which is a sacrilege since LTYM is profoundly moving and even transformative. But, it wasn’t like that for me. Which isn’t a statement about the show, my castmates or producers – it’s a statement about me and where I was in life.

In May 2013, Cheech was a six month old infant. No. Not an infant – a nursling with a lip-tie. He nursed all. the. time. So he came with me from Waco to Austin for the audition, rehearsals and the show. My husband cared for him in the green room until after I read, I cared for him until curtain call. Yeah. My husband didn’t even hear me read. And I didn’t hear anyone else read except for those rehearsals – the ones where I was caring for Cheech at the back of the auditorium. And forget about any after-parties or meet-ups. Those were just not happening with adorable Leech Cheech in tow.

I was present, but I wasn’t present. I was in the car. I was in the green room. I was hiding in hallways. I was in the ohmygodheneedstonurseagain frame of mind (and thankgoditsaustin as I flashed random strangers out of necessity frame of mind).  The moment I was experiencing just wasn’t the moment everyone else in the cast or audience was experiencing. I didn’t need tissues because I wasn’t crying – I was trying to keep my small human from crying. I was doing what so many of us do – missing out on things because babies don’t keep.

But moments like LTYM don’t keep, either. You don’t get a do-over. Once you’ve done it, you don’t get to do it again. People submit to this show year after year after year hoping to make the cut. And then they don’t. Or they do. And then, some of them end up on their local news and some of them end up in a book – and I am still a lot surprised that my submission, written on a whim as part of a New Year’s resolution – made the cut.

And I know, I know. I did the right thing, the only thing. Cheech needed me. But in honor of Mother’s Day, I get to say that doing the right thing stinks sometimes. I missed out on the full experience of LTYM. I missed out on what was a super big, once-in-a-lifetime deal for an amateur like me because mothering.

I ate the cake, but I don’t know what flavor it was.

So, here is a link to my LTYM video. Note the nursing-friendly, wrinkle-resistant outfit (which coordinated with my baby-wearing gear). I haven’t actually watched it myself – I hate watching myself on video/tv – so they could have dubbed in Vincent Price reading the classifieds for all I know, but I hope you enjoy it. I haven’t posted it before because of all the feelz I have about not really getting to enjoy my 6:52″ of fame. I was just too busy thinking about that hungry baby in the green room.

And maybe I’m okay with that now. Thanks for listening.

* This post includes affiliate links. If you click on them and make a purchase, I get small change to support my coffee habit.

Good Mothers Do: Self-Care for Moms #1

I posted last week about my friend who peed her pants in a pet store. She was just so busy attending to her children’s real and imagined needs, you know? (That poor friend. I think she’s doing better.)

She is the only parent I have heard of who peed her pants in a pet store, but she’s not the only mother I know so overwhelmed by parenthood that she neglects her own basic needs.

I am not talking about foregoing a spa day to put food on the table. I’m not talking about the occasional day (or three) with a greasy pony tail. Life gets messy. I’m talking about women who can’t remember doing basic things done regularly BC (Before Children) – showering daily, filing fingernails, or reading a grown-up book. It’s difficult, maybe impossible, because we are so busy taking care of everyone else.

But, that’s a lie. A bold-faced lie.

Here’s my truth: I do not have to be so busy taking care of everyone else.

Yes, children need meals, clean(ish) clothes and supervision. But children do not need every moment, every shred of dignity, or every speck of pixie dust glittering in our souls. They don’t need them – and mamas do.

It is a lie that I haven’t had time for my weekly mani/pedi or good haircuts every eight weeks or watching the nightly news. And it is a lie that good mothers don’t. “Good mothers don’t waste time on daily showers.” “Good mothers don’t care about raggedy nails.” “Good mothers don’t read magazines or novels – just picture books out loud in different voices for each character.”

But after my friend’s pee pee accident? My new truth is “Good mothers do.” Good mothers do take daily showers and file raggedy nails and read novels. Good mothers do make dates with friends and the significant other. Good mothers do prepare their favorite meals occasionally, even when those meals don’t cater to their toddler’s neurotic food preferences. Good mothers do engage in activities that make their hearts sing. Good mothers do care for themselves. 

And good mothers do teach their children they are not the center of the universe.

And good mothers do close the bathroom door. Yes, dear readers, they do.

I confess spending the last six years doing my private business for an audience. Mayhem ensues when the audience is banished: screaming, banging, clawing under the door frame, and shouting pronouncements of eternal hatred.

But in the days BM (Before Motherhood), I would never have dreamed of relieving myself with the door open. It was just not done. But PM (Post Motherhood), it has become the norm in the name of assuaging my children’s anxiety and believing that chaos is preventable from the porcelain throne if only the door is open. Truthfully, I have never hobbled out, pants around my ankles, in time to prevent any chaos. Never. And so, I have begun to close the bathroom door every time and I even lock it.

This is my hard and fast rule. Putting away clean towels? Shut the door.Checking the bath tissue stockpile? Shut the door. Wiping down the mirror? Shut the door. Dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, I do shut the door.

My children have not died. My SO has applauded. And I love the freedom that comes from that closed door. And now that I do it every single time – every single time – my children have learned that I shut the door and no police escort, supervision or judges panel is required. The bathroom is private. What mommy is doing in there is private.

And they have also learned that mommy comes out again. They have learned that mommy goes in, mommy shuts the door, mommy does fun and mysterious things without them (Is she taking a bubble bath? Is she using my very special dinosaur washcloth? Is she playing with my rubber ducky, the wench?) and then mommy comes out again. I am helping them develop object permanence and individuation, right?

But I can’t do this! you say. What if they get into something while I’m in there? Well, then, they get into something while you’re in there. You will handle it when you get out from the zen that is peeing alone.

You deserve privacy in the bathroom. Studies show[1] that most women spend four or fewer minutes in the bathroom for each trip. You deserve that four minutes of privacy as many times per day as Nature calls.  Start today. Commit to shutting the bathroom door.

Next week, I’ll post my second step in living out my new truth. I’ll report on how it went and I’d love to hear your thoughts.

[1] Ok. To my knowledge, there aren’t really any studies. But, time yourself. Seriously. I bet you’ll be surprised at how little time it takes you to do your thang and tidy up (unless you had the El Grande with extra chipotle sauce the night before). Close the dang door, okay?

Early Risers: Ten Benefits of Kids Who Wake Up Too Early

I have kids who wake up too early. Well, one kid who wakes up too early. The other one wakes up because he doesn’t want to miss the party. But, you know what? Just like I’m too old to party past 8 p.m., I’m too old to party at 4 a.m.

And no, that wasn’t a typo. Scooter gets up at 4 a.m. Not every day – sometimes he sleeps in until 5 a.m. And if he sleeps past 6 a.m.? Well, the very few times that has happened, I’ve fought off a panic attack until I’ve confirmed he is still alive. But, yes, every day he is up way too early. Every single day. Including Saturdays.

I know, I know – all the families who do not have kids who wake up too early are composing their helpful comments now. Have you tried putting him to bed earlier? Later? Limiting screen time 30 minutes before bed? An hour? Three hours? Do you have a consistent bedtime routine? Does it include plenty of calm-down time? Melatonin capsules? Essential oils? White noise? Massage? Yoga? The soothing dulcet tones of Tibetan monks chanting and playing singing bowls?

And to those parents who do not have kids who wake up too early, I say shove that singing bowl where the sun don’t shine. We’ve tried just about everything except the monks and singing bowls. We have read Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child and followed it to the letter – and it did help. That book is awesome. But Scooter is just wired to rise before dawn. He just is.

The only thing I’ve found that makes having a kid who wakes up too early just a wee bit better (other than an overnight for Scooter at someone else’s house) is humor. Humor makes everything better. (Humor and coffee.) (Humor and coffee and wine. Humor, coffee and wine make everything better.)

So, here are my Top 10 Benefits of Kids Who Wake Up Too Early. (I wrote it the other morning at 4 a.m.)

10. Hmmm. Seeing lots of sunrises? Maybe? If you can see well enough through bleary eyes as you shuffle to the kitchen, cursing under your breath, to make the elixir of life, aka coffee.
9. Something about worms. Worms and early rising go together. (When will that elixir be ready?)

8. Staying up-to-date on all the kids’ shows that come on in the wee hours. Wow your friends with your comprehensive knowledge of the newest creatures featured on Wild Kratts, the latest shenanigans of Curious George and name all the characters from that knee-slapping-good-times show The Odd Squad.

7. If you are the default parent, always getting the last of the creamer for your elixir. Because the early bird gets the last of the creamer.

6. Denying your elixir addiction indefinitely. When people look at you funny when you tell them how much elixir you go through each week, just mention your early riser. No one judges an elixir addict who is up each day at 4 a.m.

5. Ending your morning rush when other folks are just starting. With three extra hours of wake time, you can be that parent other parents love to hate – the super cute, put-together one in the drop-off line. (Just as long as you have had plenty of elixir.)

4. Leaving parties and events you aren’t enjoying early. “Sorry, dear Mother-in-Law. We’d love to stay and play Trivial Pursuit while Father-in-Law rails along with the talking head on Faux News, but little Sapien will be up at 4 a.m. as usual and we need to head to bed! ”

3. Evading the sneer you would normally receive from the in-laws for naming their grandchild Sapien (at least in the above scenario) and receiving instead a look of pity. (Sapien is a real name. My friend’s son named her grandchild Sapien. As in “Homo sapiens.” My friend calls him Tony. Of course.)

2. You will have a great reason to buy the world’s best vacuum – with the full support and complicity of the other parent.

1. Paybacks. Paybacks are going to ROCK. When Sapien hits his teenage years and his circadian rhythms shift to waking later in the morning, you are going to have a fantastic time vacuuming his room at 5 a.m. Every day. Including Saturdays. Hey! 5 a.m. is sleeping in, right?

Young Scooter Vacuums

Do you have an early riser? What is the most annoying piece of well-meaning advice you have received? And, more importantly, what kind of vacuum will you be purchasing? I’m in the market for a new one, too, you know and I’d love your recommendations.

* This post contains affiliate links, which means that if you click on one of the product links, I’ll receive small change to support my coffee habit.

 

Salmonella and Homeschooling Success

Today is the first-ever blog hop at a site I really love – SecularHomeschool.com. As the school year comes to a close (for some, not all), they’ve asked folks to celebrate our successes. So, what have we done successfully this year? Here are my Top 5.

5. We did not make a mummified chicken. No, we did not. Even though I fell in love with our history curriculum because of the mummified chicken project in the activity book, sanity saved the day and I said, “No. Un-huh. We are not doing no nasty mummified chicken in this kitchen with a toddler and a six year old menace. Because ain’t nobody got time for salmonella!” Sometimes, even homeschooling moms need to know when mummifying a chicken is overkill.

4. We figured out what to do with the toddler!!! People ask frequently how homeschool works when you have one that isn’t, technically, homeschooling and has the attention span of a crack-addicted flea. And it is a trick. In a nutshell, he has five busy boxes – and since we only school four days a week, the rotation makes one of them feel “new” every two weeks. (If you want to see what’s in them, I’ll be posting soon.)

3. We have a schedule/routine that is working for us. It’s sensitive to the needs of both of our kids, to both adults and leaves lots of room for other things like outside play, trips to the library and taking care of our ever-growing menagerie. (So that no one gets salmonella.)

2. We took the leap and actually decided to home school full time. It was a process. It was terrifying. But it was what we knew in our guts we needed to do. We looked, we leapt, we landed (mostly) on our feet. And that is something I’m really proud of.

1. But my biggest source of pride and satisfaction is that I’ve managed to carve out time to pursue my own interests. (Gasp!) Yes, interests that have little (or nothing) to do with my kids or homeschool. Interests that give me a greater sense of purpose (other than my kids or homeschool). Interests that connect me to the outside world. This has always been a challenge for me as a mother whether I was working outside the home, working from home, or just working in the home, but it’s been harder now since we leapt into homeschooling. But, I’m doing it. And I hope that, in addition to phonics and number bonds and the names of the planets in the solar system, the lesson that taking care of yourself is essential is a lesson my children are learning well. (That and handwashing. Because salmonella.)

Ta da! For more fabulous homeschool successes, hop on over to some of these other folks’ blogs.

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Online Discussion Group – Parents of Spirited Children

Do you have a spirited child? One who is “more intense, persistent, sensitive, perceptive and slow to change” than other “average” children you know?

I do. I have two of these little marvels, in fact. And I am facilitating an online discussion group for parents who would like to read the book Raising Your Spirited Child by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka and do the workbook as well.

This book is amazing. The author vividly describes spirited children and the experience of trying to parent one, and gives practical, effective tips for parenting them on a day-to-day basis. Suggestions for selective eating, temper tantrums, bedtime hassles, play date meltdowns and more are included – as well as handy tips for managing the spirited adults in your home. (Spiritedness is, apparently, hereditary…)

Over the next few months, we will work our way through the book and workbook. The forum will be a safe place to vent, share stories and build a community of others who are rearing these hooligans terrors demon spawn special snowflakes. Please note that people of faith are welcome, but there will very likely be colorful language, mention of copious consumption of adult beverages and some dark humor from at least one person. (Ahem. It’s me.)

I’m starting this group because I am fairly isolated here in the Piney Woods. I don’t see very many people other than clerks and servers at our single grocery store and at the occasional drive-thru window when we’ve made the 35-minute trek to the nearest city of size to run errands. And I can’t be the only parent of spirited children who could use more support than the occasional cheerful word from Ron at Piggly Wiggly, right?

So, if you’d like to join, send me a message with your email. The group starts this week and we have space for a few more. We will be doing one chapter (or group of chapters) every two weeks, so there is plenty of time to get your books – especially if you have Prime. If you are parenting a spirited child (and need some help, some community and some colorful language/adult beverages/dark humor), please join us.

Mom Gets a New Badge

So, I know someone who peed her pants in a pet store this week. It was NOT me, just someone I KNOW. Because I would never, ever pee my pants in a pet store or anywhere else. Nope. Not me.

But, I’m not going to judge because…I totally get it. (Even though it was NOT ME, remember?)

See, this friend of mine was running errands with her kids. After doing the morning dash of breakfast and dressing, she packed all of their stuff – snacks, drinks, diapers, wipes, changing table blanket, toys, more snacks – then wrestled them into safety seats before they could manage to UNdress themselves. She really needed to use the restroom, BUT the kids were already cranky, so she decided she could hold it. She could. She is super awesome like that.

Then she drove a loooong way to get to the shopping center, like 35 minutes because this friend lives in the middle of nowhere and it’s a long drive to get to Target. Which I completely get because I also live in the middle of nowhere and it really IS worth the drive just to get to Target.

But by the time they got there, the kids were even MORE cranky. The family restroom was RIGHT THERE, BUT…the kids. The kids were so freaking cranky. And they really wanted to get to the pet store to buy stuff for their new pet turtle. Which I completely understand because MY kids also got a new pet turtle this week and they also were excited to go to the pet store.

So, she still had to pee, but raced through Target, paid, then loaded up the Target stuff and the kids, drove to the pet store, and hauled the kids inside. Because they were cranky, remember? They were excited, remember? So, she made it to the pet store’s restroom, got the cart and the kids inside, then parked the cart the perfect distance from EVERYTHING so her youngest kid couldn’t touch ANYTHING. Of course! She was very careful and even though she REALLY NEEDED TO PEE, she took her time about it because GERMS. That’s what moms do, right?

She even made it into the stall, but then, in the act of dropping trou…the flood-gates opened and…she peed. Right there. On the trou.

And she was so embarrassed, and so laughing and so…done. Done with those underpants – but even more done with this badge called “the indignities of motherhood.”

Don’t tell me you haven’t heard about this badge. It’s everywhere. In every post on the Interwebz about not peeing alone or pooping alone. Or not having time to shower, or shave ones legs or wear makeup. About not getting a hot cup of coffee. Or a warm meal or regular haircuts or new underpants when the old pairs are tatty and have no elastic (or they are peed in a pet store).

And it’s in every post where some mother is judged because she DOES have a real hair style or coordinated clothes or invisible cuticles. And in every post where we assume that woman with the great, seasonally appropriate handbag that is NOT overflowing with snacks and diapers must be selfish and/or have a sugar daddy.

I don’t want to be the woman who pees her pants for THE CHILDREN. (Good thing that was someone else!) I don’t want to be the mom who is so attentive, I leave the door open to the bathroom while attending to my personal business. And I don’t want to be the mom who looks like yesterday’s coffee on it’s third reheat, creamer congealing on the rim. (At least not EVERY DAY.)

My friend doesn’t, either. She’s taken off the badge – the badge she thought said, “Mother” that really says, “Sucker.” And she has a new one. It says, “Human.” And the next time she has to pee – she’s GOING. (Unless it’s a nasty gas station. Because GERMS.)

PS Here is our turtle. It looks JUST LIKE my friend’s turtle. But it’s not. Because ours is way cuter.

Scooter’s Science Party

So, about that party. It. Was. GREAT!!!

Here is what was great:

1. My kid had a great time mixing stuff and blowing stuff up. He made the world’s biggest gumdrop-toothpick molecule, blew up balloons with gas from vinegar and baking soda, made a chemical lava lamp, created an artistic volcano-scape and made gummi worms dance. He also got to explode diet soda in the front yard which was awesome. We skipped the bouncy ball because we were running out of time. I did, however, send home the ingredients and instructions with all attendees. I know…their parents hate me now, but I couldn’t resist!

2. My kids had a great time with ME. I spend a lot of time being the “heavy” around here. I am usually the one who makes them brush their teeth, make beds, turn off the t.v., get off of Minecraft, and apologize to each other for various infractions. I’m the one who sends them to timeout, makes them clean up their many messes and won’t let them subsist on cheese and marshmallows. In short, I am a terrible mother. So, I loved getting to don a lab coat, goofy glasses and a crazy wig to play Dr. Weisenheimer for an hour leading the experiments. Scooter begged me to do it, still begs me to do it and laughs every time the subject comes up. He is an intense child – I don’t get to experience the delight that can be Scooter very often. It was AWESOME.

3. We got to visit with some people we didn’t know well, which was the unstated secondary reason for even having a party in the first place. We’re new here. It’s a small town and it’s pretty hard to get your foot in the social door. Who doesn’t love a party, right? Our guests and their kids were great – they made themselves right at home in the best of ways and made friends not just with us, but even with our pack of pets. They were helpful and great sports about all the (stinky) messy things we did as part of the entertainment. (And the messy stuff I sent home in their goodie bags!)

But, the party was also not so great. Here’s a short list.

1. It was a lot of prep. Don’t have a science party if you don’t want to spend a couple of days getting all the supplies and then measuring small quantities of powder and liquid and putting it in little containers. And definitely, don’t decide to do dancing gummi worms unless you have the dedication to cut up 50+ gummi worms lengthwise into quarters with a pizza cutter. Since I am the mom who  quit halving blueberries and grapes long before my child was officially a toddler, those gummi worms were a labor of love.

2. It smelled. There were gallons of vinegar involved. Our house smelled like an egg-dying party gone horribly wrong. I still smell vinegar and I’m sure I cleaned it all up. It burnt my nose hairs and seared my nasal passages.

3. Only two kids of the 25+ we invited came. There were other events, people had emergencies, I get it. But it felt very much like that social door was slammed on my toes for the gajillionth time. I’ve  absolutely recovered, but I’m in search of other doors. And I’m going to wear steel-toed boots.

But, on balance, it was totally worth it. Scooter is resilient. I am resilient. He had a blast with the kids who came. He’s excited that he got to keep all the extra experiment set-ups and we will do them over the next few weeks whenever the mood strikes. He’s also excited he got to keep all the extra goodie bags, lab goggles and lab coats – and he was super excited about all the leftover hot dogs and chips and sodas and juice boxes that we have been eating and drinking. (I know…gross. But, what are you gonna do?)

But, next year? We’re going to Chuck E. Cheese. It will be just us and a few friends, but it will still be all the great things – and none of the not-so-great things. I won’t need to wear those steel-toed boots, but I might wear a wig, just for fun. Because who doesn’t want to be friends with a woman who wears a crazy wig in public, right?

Dr. Scooter and his Assistant, Cheech

It’s THAT Day…

Today is THAT day that mothers everywhere love and loathe: Daybeforebirthdaypartyinourhouse Day.

Here is part of my to-do list:
1. Clean the entire house. OMG. It’s filthy. How did it get like this? I cleaned this, like, yesterday. Or maybe the day before. I swear I cleaned it this week. I think. Maybe? IDK. Oh, for the love of God, I’ll just clean the parts people will see and hope for the best. People won’t really need to go in the bedrooms. Or the bathrooms. It’s only two hours, right?

2. Tidy up the entry way. I have never seen so many leaves. It’s March. Were these little mother duckers hanging on all fall, all winter, JUST to fall TODAY? People are going to think we are the Clampetts. They’re going to think we never mow. Someone is going to be bitten by a snake, lurking in all these leaves. It will be a kid. Where’s the snake bite kit? Put one on the shopping list.

3. Last-minute purchases. Just a few things. Sodas, buns, hot dogs, condiments, chili, fruit, Valium. Snake bite kit.

4. Discover foul pet-generated substance on newly vaccuumed rug. And newly mopped floor. Oh, sweet Jesus. Is it on the couch?!? Who yakked on the couch?!? Who does that?!?

5. Add Oxy clean to shopping list. And air freshener. And new couch.

6. Break up sibling fight.

7. Cry. Mourn the loss of your tribe – any number of whom would gladly come and help you with the spawn, the house, the party. But they are all 3.5 hours away.

8. Break up sibling fight. Realize you don’t have time for crying. Add vodka to shopping list. Make mental note not to combine with Valium. Or snake bite.

9. Remind husband about his very important, very short party to-do list: tables, propane, burn pile. (We live in the country…people burn yard waste and large cardboard boxes of which we have twenty-two.) Awesome husband does all of the above.

10. Corral siblings (still fighting). Print shopping list. How did it grow to three pages? Realize that husband, who is at work, did start the burn pile, but it is still burning. You cannot leave because fire.

11. Sit down to cry. Write a time-wasting blog post simultaneously because you are awesome (and out of Valium and vodka).

12. Look out the window and see your salvation is at hand. The utility company finally sent the tree trimmers to remove the towering dead pine in your front yard. The spawn are enthralled. And not fighting.

13. Thank goodness for your new tribe: the tree trimming guys, Frankie and Raul. Add “thank you card for Frankie and Raul” to shopping list, page 3.

I’ll stop at lucky 13.

Wish me luck! It’s a science experiments party. At least one attendee will be officially mad. Guess who?